Treasury Hoard Canada, Ottawa
Dear Public Servant
Don’t you know how lucky you are to have a job! For God’s sake, quit whining & get back to work.
Stop being so selfish! If you were a truly dedicated civil servant (emphasis on “servant”), you would help the Harper government & the Canadian taxpayer save money, not hold us back with demands for a livable wage. What a nerve!
Please read our top five suggestions below for how you can actually support our country. Be prepared to discuss at our next bargaining session.
Number One: Give up your sick leave. Abandon the idea of being paid if you are sick. Get the flu shot, follow the Canada Food Rules, stay away from ladders — really, there’s no reason to be off work.
Number Two: Work for free one week a month. While a real patriot would give up their salary altogether, we don’t want people littering the streets inhibiting snow removal. Why not aspire to a more modest level of compensation, like workers get in the private sector? You know … ahem … minimum wage. But don’t worry we won’t be spending on a food stamp program like in the U.S. We have excellent volunteer food banks all across Canada.
Number Three: Don’t apply for CPP or OAS or GIS even if it means you have to eat cat food — that would be a meaningful sacrifice for your country. If you’d have the courtesy to die on your 67th birthday (yes 67! no more 65th birthday retirement celebrations!), that would save us a fortune! Think how grateful Harper’s granddaughter would be. Maybe Joe Oliver’s too.
Number Four: Don’t sign up for employment benefits. Just go to your local church and they will gladly feed & clothe you & your family once you hit the street. There are lots of part-time jobs available so you really don’t have to collect EI at all. Be creative, some people have up to four or five part-time jobs! Anything’s possible in Strong. Proud. Free. Canada!
Number Five: Give up all this union nonsense — that is so old! Yes, yes, the Charter gives you the right to unionize but just because you have the right doesn’t mean you have to use it! Think of it as your own private notwithstanding clause.
See you at the “bargaining” table!
Your Humble Master
Sir Anthony Inclement
PS I don’t want you to think we are hypocrites just because we set our own wages & benefits. We’ll probably be taking a cut in our salaries, at least for the next few months. Unfortunately, we can’t do anything permanent. We need to be able to keep attracting good business people to run for our party & they require top compensation packages. What can we do? SAI
PPS About that $50 million spent in my riding prior to the G20 … we really needed the gazebos for the snipers. Security money well spent! SAI