Breaking News: Scientists long forbidden by the Harper government to speak publicly have been sitting in frustrated silence for months, unable to reveal to Canadians and the world the earth-shattering news that they have developed an anti-terror vaccine.
The vaccine has an immediate effect on humans: They are no longer terrorized by reports of terrorism or by threats of terrorism. Equally beneficial, their ability to reject government-sanctioned propaganda about terrorists and terrorism increases. Over 75% of vaccinated subjects said “not terrorism” when shown staged scenarios depicting supposedly mentally ill people shooting victims, no matter how loudly the shooters shouted religious or political slogans.
Reports leaked to Humans vs Harper show that, after the vaccine’s successful preclinical development phase, it was considered reasonably safe for initial use in humans.
Researchers did face some early difficulty in eliminating unmentionable yet near monolithic cultural biases from their research design. Subject recruitment was also unusually difficult – potential subjects had to be screened out for groundless, yet overpowering fear, which left a very small pool of those who could demonstrate the ability to think rationally. The stymied researchers almost gave up hope.
However, their unrelenting efforts to discover the source of such behaviors resulted in an effective and inexpensive antidote—a hitherto unknown vitamin T, found in common starches, which gives new meaning to “stiffen your spine.” According to our sources, the drug will be supplied in a one-time-only, single-dose tablet with different doses for children, adults, and the elderly.
Acting instantly on the central nervous system, the vaccine will strengthen the body’s values system. It will both eliminate a shallow understanding of all forms of religious dogma and allow the mind to effectively fight off dangerous or preposterous political ideas. As trials continue, the vaccine’s only side effect is that all those immunized automatically begin to vote in federal elections. An earlier side effect that saw subjects strongly display a preference for the Liberal or NDP party has been eliminated.