Secret Conservative Party Memo Reveals Busted Balloon Strategy

BallonsHumans vs Harper has uncovered a secret Conservative Party memo detailing growing Party concerns about the number of policy and promise balloons Stephen Harper is launching prior to the fall election. Part of a backgrounder to prepare Party operatives for  a pre-election Balloon Summit, the memo identified a short list of the Party’s priority concerns about the balloon count.

There are so many balloons floating around that the Party is losing track of its core campaign messaging set, a cardinal sin in campaign communications. In fact, the balloons are playing havoc with the public’s perception of the brand — round and colorful does not play well with the Party’s economic message.

The Party has exhausted Canada’s stock of blue balloons meaning we’re forced to use orange and red balloons. Naturally, this is highly disturbing to the base. Some have taken to shooting down the non-blue balloons with shotguns – non-registered, of course. Added to this, it is very difficult to get them to stop shooting once they get started.

More and more deflating balloons are falling to the ground all across Canada with thousands dropping into the lakes and streams of Alberta’s cottage country, where cottage owners are known to mobilize against interlopers at the drop of a gas can.

Canada’s extremely well connected Moms’ groups are said to be banding together to launch a social media campaign aimed at finding the cause of the emerging balloon scarcity. If this story hits Twitter, it will play havoc with our hope to expand beyond our core constituencies.

The balloons are confusing our newest immigrant supporters. As they try to adapt to Canadian culture and traditions they simply cannot understand the flotilla of balloons they see floating above them. Troublemakers – budding terrorists and such are exploiting the situation by warning the balloons are camouflaged monitoring devices.

It now seems impossible to bring back the thousands of balloons staff launched in the European capitals visited by the PM over his pre-election world tour. Given that relations with European governments are somewhat sensitive right now, this is unfortunate.

Please remember to bring your leftover helium to the Summit. The Dentist Caucus wants to raffle off the tanks at their next caucus meeting.

Additional Balloon Information — Infrastructure Development and Maintenance Fund

Our Leader has once again re-announced the Infrastructure Development and Maintenance Fund (IDMF) that he first announced with the 2013 budget. Obviously, this means a very busy summer for each and every one of you as we manage a tsunami of IDMF announcements prior to the election. The Party will not be supplying balloons for these events.

The IDMF includes the $4-billion, merit-based, National Infrastructure Component to support projects of national significance. Now that we have extended this funding to include educational institutions, our government will allocate IDMF funds to the National Memorial to Victims of Communism in Ottawa. A balloon display for this announcement is under consideration.