Human vs Harper has been handed a notebook belonging to Dr. Solver A. Dogster. It appears that Dr. Dogster has been hired to run a support group for Conservative MPs and cabinet ministers suffering under the mental strain of having to present a united front behind the Prime Minister.
His notes indicate that he had some hesitation in taking on the job. “All of them together in the same room is a substantial amount of repressed frustration. If one blows, the whole lot will likely explode. It will take all my skill and experience to contain them.”
A loose page inside the notebook turned out to be part of a transcript of a recorded therapy session, with annotations by Dr. Dogster, or Dr. Solver as he is known to his patients. Humans vs Harper presents it here, as we found it:
Joe: “It’s the lying, it’s the lying. If only I didn’t have to say I balanced the budget. Why couldn’t I just say that the economy tanked with the oil prices, and so it was impossible to balance the budget. Then I could admit the sham — the shame — the things I did to make it look like it was balanced. Taking billions out of the contingency fund — selling off the embassies — taking a loss on the GM shares — all to maintain a lie. My mother raised me to tell the truth. It’s the lying that hurts — the lying… (inaudible)
Rona: I just feel so stupid! Is research good or is research bad? When we got the Supreme Court decision about medical marijuana, I was outraged. I worry about those patients. Naturally, I said, “But we have no research to show that it will do no harm!”
I went to school. I wrote papers. I know that good decisions are based on research, facts, data. But now I have to be so careful. I have to decide about GMO foods, but I can’t fund research because the PM is under pressure to approve GMO foods. And I have to deliberately ignore the research that’s been done.
My predecessor, Leona here, had to do the same with the Insite decision in Vancouver. Our base doesn’t like the idea of giving junkies a safe place to shoot up — they don’t believe junkies should be safe. Once again, we had to ignore the research that showed Insite reduced harm all around. She couldn’t even tell our base it was good for them, too!
Leona: I know what you mean. I have so much trouble learning my lines. My brain can’t take it any more. If only we could just tell the truth, we wouldn’t have to remember the spin. Everything has spin — the entire Arctic is one huge spin-o-rama. I feel like I’m spinning into my grave. (sighs)
Did you hear me moaning when they tweeted at me “#ProudtobeIrish” the day those paddies voted in gay marriage? No. I take it on the chin, like a man. I keep on going. Peter MacKay (mumble) … John Baird (mumble) … I could get a cushy job in the private sector. But not me. I’m loyal. I stick to the message, I stay on course (mumble).