#CPCJesus: A Blessing from Above

rapture clipPrime Minister: Pastor, of course I never let it show, but sometimes I get fed up with all the doubters and naysayers around me. A lesser man would be discouraged.

Pastor: A lesser man, indeed, sir. But never you, Prime Minister!

Prime Minister: I need you to confirm that it is God’s will for me to continue to do what I do.

Pastor: I’m here for you, sir.

Prime Minister: I promised that they wouldn’t know this country when I was finished. One promise kept. But I’m getting pushback from all sides, all the time. I need some ammunition to retaliate against the filth standing in my way.

Pastor: There, there my son. What better ally than God? You know He is with you.

What exactly is bothering you today?

#CPCJesus CA0OJBNVAAAnWenPrime Minister: Well, this past week it’s all this #CPCJesus on twitter. They make fun of me, they make fun of my religion, they even imply that I am CPC Jesus, and really the devil in disguise.

Pastor: Now, never mind about them. We both know you are doing the right thing, and all those nay-sayers are wrong, especially the ones who call themselves Christian. The more they hate you for doing His will, the more God loves you.

Prime Minister: Of course. All those petty criticisms just mean I’m on the right track.

Pastor: That’s the spirit. Every single tweet is a blessing from above.

Prime Minister: Two or three times a year I get in a helicopter and fly over the oil sands, just keeping an eye on my investments. I know, I know, they’re in a blind trust. Ethics regulations and all that. But we all know where my money lives.

When I see that landscape, sometimes even I have a momentary twinge of doubt that the oil sands are the right way to get rich.

Pastor: Now, don’t you let the size of the devastation bother you for a minute. Remember, God gave man dominion over the earth. DOMINION.

But don’t take that as an excuse to buy leather and chains – you know the church frowns on kinky sex.

But dominion means the earth is ours to use. We cannot desecrate the planet. If we want to make the waters of northern Alberta into our toilet, God is good with that.

Prime Minister: Well, yeah!

First I took the teeth out of the Navigable Waters Protection Act, then I gutted the Environmental Assessment Act and the Fisheries Act. Now the waters belong to me from sea to sea to shining sea! And of course they also belong to the Koch brothers, those sterling fundamentalist Christian capitalists. Mustn’t bite the hand that feeds me. 

Pastor: That’s right. Gratitude is a virtue, especially towards people who have deep pockets and who will give again if you play your cards on bended knee.

Prime Minister: But they are battering me from all sides, and I hardly have any strong men left in Parliament. Peter, James, John, they have all forsaken me. And James the Lesser, too.

Pastor: What?! Oh, you mean MacKay, Flaherty and Baird. And James Moore, too. Do not be disheartened by mere mortals.

Remember the words of our brothers in the Cornwall Alliance, who preach that environmentalists are a threat to our society: “The Green Dragon must die….(There) is no excuse to become befuddled by the noxious Green odours and doctrines emanating from the foul beast…”

Prime Minister: And even in Alberta, my homeland (I know, I was born and raised in Toronto, but I have my brand to think about) I see fire and floods; the winters are not as cold, summers are the hottest I remember, droughts are destroying the crops. I know it can’t be global warming, but I ask you – what’s happening to the world?

Pastor: You have nothing to worry about. These are the signs of the end times. They were foretold. The Rapture is imminent. God will take us all to heaven and consign to hell all those pot-smoking adulterous homosexual socialist natives who so testify against you. The Rapture will set you free from all your worries. They will be dust in the wind, as the Psalm says.

Prime Minister: Well, let’s hope the Rapture is upon us before the Supreme Court deadline for legislation on doctor-assisted dying. You know how God hates that!

For more information on the fundamentalist church Harper belongs to, click here.


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