Confessions of a Stephen Harper Troll – Chapter Seven

TrollRectangleToday I spent all fucking day trolling coast to coast with this gigantic push on the big fat cheques they’re mailing out to people who have kids.

Then I went down to pub to hang out with the guys and there’s SpinDog.

More then that, the guys are in this huge uproar about the whopping big carrot Harper delivered to the breeders and SpinDog is egging them on.

One guy is saying, “All I want to know is when am I gonna get some?’

Everybody jumps in yelling Right On and What About Me and squawking that the cream suckers always got it made.

This old guy’s laughing at them: “You’re gonna have to work longer too, boys. I’m done now, but you’re going to 67 before you get one penny from the lying bastards.”

SpinDog says, “Yeah, you got to wear a diaper before you get a dime.”

Another guy says, “My ex is thrilled, but I’m still gonna get burned for support this month.”

Spindog jumps on that one, too. “And guess what, ya can’t use it to pay off debts. My buddy’s into them for taxes and they told him he can’t use it to pay them off.”

“Well, how are they gonna know?” I ask him.

Big chorus: “They fucking know everything,”

I get SpinDog to go out for a smoke and I lay into him when we get outside.

“What the fuck, man? These guys are our voters and you’re getting them pissed off at the Party.”

He just grins. “I’m just trying to get something going,” he says. I stare at him.

“Do you even know what’s going on right now? Things are sliding, Mister SpinDog, and we got to go back in there and sing the song. If they don’t come up with this idea, we’d be in deep trouble. The bear doesn’t shit on the burning bridge, dude.”

He don’t move one inch.

“These guys in there got nothing and they know it,” he says.

“They never got a goddam thing from Harper and they know they never will. They see that dork – what’s his name?”


“Yeah, Poilievre. I wouldn’t spit beer on him. Clowning around – Christmas in the golf shirt. What they would do to him if he was here, I’d love to see.”

“Fucking classy attitude man. Well, guess what? I got some work for pay from them on this exact thing.”

“Spill it. My beer is getting warm.”

“So, they’re gonna rustle up the families that ain’t signed up. They said there’s thousands and thousands of them – thousands of votes, eh. They’re gonna pay door knockers and they asked me if I wanted the work.”

“Who fucking said that?” he asks me.

“As a matter of fact, Mister Minister Pierre Poilievre said that. It’s on video. He said they were gonna knock on the door of every family that’s not signed up. I betcha I can get you on. So?”

He says, “Ya know, a government gets the people it deserves.”

“So what?” I said. Sooner or later the people get the government they deserve. It all works out.”

“Do you want the job or not?”