Confessions of a Stephen Harper Troll – Chapter Ten

So we are in Edmonton remand.

Spent one night sitting in a cell at an armpit cop shop after getting busted in that piss ant neighbourhood.

It looked like we were going to get out of it, but then the cops lit up. That bitch that slammed the door on us got out on the street yelling at the cops to bust us just when another cop car pulls up.

When they tell the bitch to go home, she starts yelling at them.

“Just ask them how they can be Tories and Greenpeace supporters at the same time?”

The cops looked at one another and the next thing, we’re face down on the street handcuffed and the cop is reading us our rights.

Spindog’s yelling, “What’s the charge?” and I’m yelling at him to shut the fuck up. Fucking circus.

Next day we get in front of a justice of the peace and guess what? We’re arrested for public mischief and obstructing a cop, as if fucking if.

I got to call my sister, but had to leave a message. She’s broke, so it’s not like she could bail me out anyway. Spindog didn’t call nobody.

Meanwhile, I was trying to figure out how to save my job when I overheard the cops say the election was called. One says the Tories are rolling in the dough. The other cop laughed.

“Hey, we’ll finally find out how much it cost to buy an election,” he said.

I’m thinking fucking politics. I’m in here and everybody’s out there lining up for the biggest Sugar Daddy ever.

Our lawyer, some dame, got the mischief spiked cause it never should have been. The justice was talking about a fine till she found out we’re flat broke and we don’t live in Edmonton. She makes a joke about us working for nothing. I don’t laugh. She says we’re a flight risk. The lawyer tells us we’re going to remand with no court date.

So we’re talking to the lawyer after and we’re giving her the whole story and she just can’t believe it.

She keeps asking, “You were a troll for the Tories?”

And I keep saying, “Yeah, for Steve.”

Spindog pops up, “He was. I never did that.”

I went thru the roof like a sitting duck!

“Take it easy,” he says. “I was just goofing around.”

I’m yelling, “Don’t shit me, dude. You don’t goof. You always got an angle.”

“Promise you won’t get mad, if I tell you?”

The lawyer says to me, “Don’t make any promises.”

I say, “Spill it.”

So, he tells me this cock and bullshit story where he’s thinking he can get the beans on me and run and tell the fucking Nippers or the fucking Justins for a payoff. Then he starts warming it up and says, “But here’s the best deal.

“I was thinking that if I could get you to do the Greenpeace thing that’d be the story. I could sell that to the media – the Tory Troll and the baby environmental freak – fucking priceless. They would be camped out side my door, man!”

I yelled TIMBER and launched straight at him.

The lawyer’s hammering on the door, yelling, “Officer!”