Humans vs. Harper Exposes Post-election Tory Throne Speech

WallwithManBreaking News: When an anonymously sourced attachment popped up in HvH’s Comment Box revealing that the Conservative Party is already busy drafting its first post-October election Throne Speech, we confess they surprised us again.

Titled The Most Magnificent Harper Throne Speech Ever, page 103 of a 1000 page document, reveals just one of the opening moves Harper would take if he wins the October election. Apparently, he intends to continue with his relentless attempt to extinguish democracy in Canada.

Throne Speech Backgrounder # 47: Public Squares – An Early Target

Public squares are traditionally used for public gatherings and are also known as civic centers, city squares, urban squares, market squares, plazas, etc.

  • A soft opening will feature a raft of studies from Canada’s most respected conservative think tanks questioning the safety of public squares in this time of overflowing trash cans, abandoned needles, reckless activism and the growing threat of terrorism. The Party’s usual corporate partners can be counted on to support these studies with the necessary funding.
  • The CBC will be persuaded to produce a series of high quality documentaries revealing the long hidden history of zombies in the Canadian public square to be narrated by Judge Vic Toews and Senator Margery LeBreton. Please note the PM has specifically requested a cameo appearance by the ghost of Sir John A. MacDonald.
  • With apprehension growing, a generously funded federal infrastructure program will provide grants to communities interested in walling off these suspect areas until such time that the authorities can guarantee their security. A new RCMP Public Square Task Force will prompt reluctant municipalities with the information they need to ensure their communities are kept safe.
  • BIRDonWireHealth Canada will provide Canadians with groundbreaking research geared to describing the high risk factors associated with gathering in public squares along with timely updates on fatality rates and the search for a cure for quadratum pubis cordis pruriginis – more commonly known as public square heart itch.
  • As public anxiety and mistrust solidifies, the PM will announce that he will work with the provinces to promote the now abandoned areas for oil and mining exploration. The potential for accelerated pipeline development across this new network of closely linked towns and cities is both obvious and inspiring.

Supplementary Throne Speech Measures – Critical to Success:

Total ban on the sale or possession of poster board, banner material, flags, colored markers and pencils, crayons, ‘cause’ t-shirts, all forms of wooden stakes, megaphones and microphones. Contraband materials will be confiscated and, as we did so successfully with the long gun registry files, destroyed.

5 thoughts on “Humans vs. Harper Exposes Post-election Tory Throne Speech

  1. Pingback: Goodbye to Endangered Species | Humans vs Harper

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