Tailings Pond Beer Takes Harper Down

Tailings Pond Beer No. 3 imageAs we reported in last week’s episode, small towns across Canada were elated at the promise of Tailings Pond Beer refineries and bottling plants and the jobs that would come with the new factories. Harper himself was rubbing his hands in anticipation of a fifth election win. But to curb competition from other tailings pond owners and to keep the price down, Harper authorized Temporary Workers to be discretely introduced across the country in the Harper Beer Company factories.

No one noticed in the cities but, before long, the people in the towns noticed the TWs in their midst and rose up in anger at this blatant attempt to cheat them of employment. Soon recall petitions were circulating everywhere. Conservative MPs ran for cover. Harper took an unscheduled trip to Ukraine (no photo ops on that trip).

But no amount of claims of ignorance or attempts at white-washing the use of Temporary Workers could counter the stink of the scandal that now hung over the PM’s office like the chemical-laden stench of the Alberta tar sands. Harper’s ratings fell to a new low.

To make things worse for Harper, new revelations emerged that Tailings Pond Beer was nothing more than a grand hoax perpetuated by disgruntled scientists who were angry with Harper for firing them, burning their books, and suppressing their research.

Using their own home experiments in beer making, the scientists concocted the cocktail to be known as Tailings Pond Beer, doctoring it for the discerning taste bud. But under that deceptive taste was a bomb waiting to explode. After six pints of the Alberta brew, imbibers were suddenly overcome with violent stomach cramps and painful gassing. Students at the Nova Scotia dentistry college were the first to be affected but the affliction soon blew across the country like the North wind and the whole Tailings Pond Beer industry completely collapsed taking Harper with it.

Polar bear 2Just one of the many scandals to bring Harper down, he was last seen hiding among the polar bears of Northern Canada, both now endangered species.