Let’s just state the obvious: Only Stephen Harper would try to suppress the baby vote.
As we might imagine, the babies and puppies were easy to influence, so they – and we – owe a big debt of gratitude to the kittens. One rallied the troops by looking at Harper with a dead-eyed who-the-hell-do-you-think-you are stare. That’s all it took.
This is a crew of highly enthusiastic voters, especially once their needs are met.
With a dry diaper and a warm bottle, baby voters will go anywhere. The puppies always want to do it all, but they can leash that loveable tendency for the time it takes to mark their ballot.
While the concept of a leader is unimaginable to the kitten voter, she does have curiosity on her side and can be counted on to get the whole picture before she graces the polling booth with her presence. Noting that resentment does fuel the kitten vote; kittens and cats still feel bitter that Harper used them as a humanizing prop.
The top issues for these avid first time voters start with – no kidding – protection of the environment. Beyond that, their collective list of demands include onesies for all, free bite-sized jerky, subsidized pet dental care, and a national strategy to infuse everything with catnip.
Meanwhile, these voters have all pledged to vote against Harper. So, when you run into them at your polling station, make sure to give them a celebratory thumbs up!
In our fantasy world, Harper has been fired from his job as prime minister because he is, well, incompetent. Read the secret letter that exposed his considerable failings.
A report prepared by his evaluation committee brought to light Harper’s involvement in a scheme to save his skin. Hubris, duplicity, revenge, and sex all make their appearance in The Tailings Pond Beer Saga. Read the story no one is talking about on the campaign trail.
The sad truth is that federal election campaign demands overcame us here at Humans vs. Harper and we never found the time to check in with the Troll. We were able to verify that the Troll and SpinDog, fractious, but ever-loyal companions, did get out of remand. And, the other day someone messaged us to say they spotted the Troll hammering in pro-Nipper signs on an especially lovely front yard in an upscale Edmonton neighborhood. They didn’t think to take a photo, so that sighting sits in our Unconfirmed Rumors file. We have no update on SpinDog and we would never want to speculate on his doings. So this collected version of Troll stories marks our farewell to these boon companions, a pair of characters we will always hold dear.
Click here for your copy of the complete Confessions of a Stephen Harper Troll.
Here we decided to echo all the wonderful STOP Harper messaging that has criss crossed the country for years by naming all the top rank Tory candidates we all want to STOP – the elite of what we now call the Con Party. We know them collectively as We Who Obey and individually as MPs and cabinet ministers who never did and never intended to do a good job for all the Canadians they were sworn to serve. And, since honesty is always the best policy, we’re gladly confessing that we want to STOP every single Conservative who is running for federal office from sea to sea to sea. That sure would be one hell of a shining moment!
Here at Humans vs. Harper, we have not read the text of the secret Trans Pacific Partnership (TPP) trade deal. We’re willing to bet that you have not seen the highly complicated thousand-page-plus text either.
Obviously, the 12 governments negotiating the deal have the text. And, it’s highly likely that the dozens and dozens of corporate lobbyists working to make sure the deal immensely strengthens corporate power internationally have also seen the text. It’s worth noting that the full text of the 1988 Canada – U.S. free trade agreement – our first ever free trade agreement – was publically available for months before the deal was finalized.
Meanwhile, the TPP may well be the greatest corporate gravy train ever, but, once underway, Continue reading
Oddly, we often have short memories when it comes to the Harper government’s scandals. Of course, a 77-day election campaign is its own distraction.
No doubt, Harper’s Conservatives are grateful that the NDP and the Liberals are out promoting their candidates and campaign policies on their endless search for voter support. They haven’t forgotten the Duffy scandal; they just don’t have a minute to think about it.
However, election time is always a good time to remember. So, Humans vs Harper will take a moment to remind you of the worst federal government scandal in Canadian history, one your sitting Prime Minister apparently knew absolutely nothing about for a very long time. Continue reading
While some voters still worry that the Conservatives might win the election, Stephen Harper is already firing up his job hunt. Yes, our soon-to-be ex-prime minister is just one of the hundreds of thousands of Canadians who will hit the unemployment lines in October.
Knowing his day of reckoning is coming, he’s decided he must get moving on manufacturing a new and even more prestigious career. Turning to the Internet, he searches under careers and finds dozens of options, most of which promise career joy. Since he’s always been a joy doubter, he ignores those. Then he lights on what looks like a no-nonsense site: Career Counselling for Economists and Statisticians (CCES). He calls the 1-800 number.
He waits though the endless directory options, another new experience for him. Finally, he presses zero and a human comes on the line, with a cheerful hello. Continue reading
A politician, a political marketer and an aging former hockey great walk into a television studio – let’s call them Curly, Moe, and Larry. As they’re settling in, Moe says that Buster will be coming a bit later. Continue reading
Federal Courts have confirmed a woman’s Charter Right to wear a veil during her citizenship ceremony. The Harper government thinks that Zunera Ishaq should voluntarily sacrifice that right by removing her veil for the ceremony. But only for 30 seconds – just 30 seconds – that’s how long they say her sacrifice will take.
Since Harper thinks that sacrificing one’s rights is so easy and so quick, perhaps he’d like to make a few sacrifices for his fellow Canadians. Humans vs Harper has drawn up a list for him. They’ll only take 30 seconds each. We don’t care if he covers his face. (Actually, we’d prefer it.) Continue reading
At Humans vs. Harper we believe that when a political party’s internal campaign problems start leaking out to the public, that party is having a really hard time. No one likes having a really hard time during an election campaign.
One reason it’s especially hard is that everyone inside the campaign gets really mad at the party people who are harming the campaign with their revealing talk to the media. Then the talkers get mad at the campaign insiders because they won’t face up to the fact that the campaign could be going off the rails. Continue reading